He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
