SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
