We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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