I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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