My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
