she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
