it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
