I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
