Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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