I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
