girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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