im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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