I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Sorry about my life...
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Randomize