I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
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