I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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