don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
