The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
