Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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