Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
