I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
