Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
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