forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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