Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
