Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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