My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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