he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
