I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
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the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
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Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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