Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Is it because I queefed?
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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