After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
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It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
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I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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