It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
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The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
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His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I just had sex on a roof
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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