Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Is it because I queefed?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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