You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Randomize
