Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
