things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
