he fucked my hip out of place.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
