Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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