We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
