Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
