The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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