Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
where are my eyebrows?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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