And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
