guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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