I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
