Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
