hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
do herpes really smell.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
