Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
