i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
