I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
