I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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