Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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