We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
