dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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