I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
