went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Randomize
