I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
